careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
