please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
you will always have a special place in my vag
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
