one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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