why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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