Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
