dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
