dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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