lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
