my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
