At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
