Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
