My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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