I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
