Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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