and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
You're like the curious george of whores
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
i now understand why vodka
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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