Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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