he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
