So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
