Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
