Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
