it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
