we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
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Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
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I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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