I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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