come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
