She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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