Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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