my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Randomize
