Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
