The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
