if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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