the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
