I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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