Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
birth control should be required to get into college
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
