All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
