I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
