clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
