WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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