u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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