Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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