Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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