and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
