you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Your cock deserves a montage
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
