I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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