You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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