I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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