He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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