3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
He felt like a one man threesome
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
