He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Drake has all the answers
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
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