true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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