Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
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