Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
