p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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