I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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