just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
