You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
