I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
