She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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