I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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