two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
